Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
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I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
😂😂😂
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman