Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
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Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Happy birthday to all the women
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*