Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
How to woo a woman
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that