Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Called it
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story