Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
You Might Also Like
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Called it
Goodnight 🐶
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.