If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
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That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?