I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
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Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.