Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.