“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.