It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Kentucky names the shit out of places
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.