Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
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[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Reporter: *ports again*
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.