My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23