when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
i made a craigslist ad !
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news