Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Bill is short for Billiam
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind