Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“and you are November’s PM yes?”