gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
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For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
motivation
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
any last words?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.