Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.