What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.