[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
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Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?