OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
my dog when i have a friend over
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]