Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
You Might Also Like
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados