When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
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Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before