Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker