BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.