Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.