I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
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The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.