Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.