5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective