Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day