Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
This made me chuckle.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.