Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣