son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
termite twitter scares me
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.