dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
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His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.