Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
You Might Also Like
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
won’t smith
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.