I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.