If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
You Might Also Like
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?