“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
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My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Saturday