me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
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*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.