In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
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The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.