Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
12653.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.