This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
they finally got him. they got macavity
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
What do you hear?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist