[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.