I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
🤣😂
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
podcasts
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.