*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.