My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
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I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]