if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
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*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.