The Backseat Boys
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Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.