I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.