DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
an airline just for babies.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Wait a minute
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Sticker placement is key.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!