How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
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The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
The glory of fall.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Hello, my name is Pierre.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”